Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize
