Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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