Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
