It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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