Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
