I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Of course I have a pirate flag
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
