nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
