I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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