I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Randomize
