just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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