My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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