I accidentally burped into my bong.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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