WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
