We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
