I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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