Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
