I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Randomize
