Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
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