Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Randomize
