dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
