i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
My ATM looks so different sober.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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