yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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