i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
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