I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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