I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
