Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
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