I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
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