He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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