Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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