i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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