bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
Randomize
