I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
