Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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