which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
