I'm jealous of your bromance
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
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