dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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