OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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