Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
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