apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
