New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
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