you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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