now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
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