Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
