I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Randomize
