i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
