Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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