I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize