he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Randomize
