listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
