Potential corruption. He's 19.
Get them while they're young!
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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