we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
