At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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