He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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