I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize
