I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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