I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
