either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
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