i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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