I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
