You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
