I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Randomize
