porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
