I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
