Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
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